It's Important to Have a Plan

Surviving while being in an abusive relationship requires skills and resourcefulness. Safety Planning is literally planning a way to stay safe from your abusive partner either physically, emotionally, or both. Assaults can be physical, but they can also be emotional, verbal and psychological.

A safety plan is a constantly changing, never-ending plan of action that takes different shapes according to your needs. To make your plan, think about all of the areas of your life where you need to stay safe from your abusive partner and try to imagine what you will need to do to protect yourself and/or your children. The following suggestions may help you create your safety plan. Remember, once you have made your plan, keep it in a safe place.

Safety at Home

If you are still living with your abusive partner, how are you staying safe in your home? Here are some ideas for staying safe at home:

Physical Safety

• If you sense an assault is about to happen, try to get to a room or area that has access to an exit and is not in a bathroom, kitchen or anywhere near weapons.
  
• Practice how to get out of your home safely. Choose doors, windows, elevators or stairwells that are fast and easy to get to.
  
• If there is a neighbor you can safely tell about the violence, ask that they call the police if they think something bad is happening at your house.
  
• Come up with a secret code word or signal that you can use with your children, family, friends and neighbors if you need them to call the police.
  
• Plan with your children too. Teach them how to call 911. Talk to them about what to do if there is violence happening at home; for example, they might run to the neighbor's house and call 911.
  
• Decide and plan where you will go if you have to leave home suddenly (even if you don't think you will need to).
  
• Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he or she wants to calm him or her down. This might be the best way to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
  
• Consider packing a bag with important papers, medications, and clothing that you keep in a safe place or with a friend in case you need to leave suddenly. Make sure your abusive partner cannot find this bag.
  
• Always remember--You don't deserve to be hit or threatened.

Emotional Safety

• Decide who in your life gives you emotional support. It does no good to spend time with friends or family members who make you feel bad or blame you for the situation. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.
  
• Go to domestic violence support groups to talk with other people who are in similar situations. Break down the isolation that your abuser may have created.
  
• Read books and articles that help you feel stronger.
  
• Find a therapist who understands the dynamics of domestic violence.
  
• Have positive thoughts about yourself and be assertive with others about your needs.
  
• Avoid using alcohol and drugs as coping mechanisms. They can impair your judgment and compromise your safety.
  
• Use crisis hotlines if you don’t have anyone else to talk to. Call them instead of calling your abuser when you feel down.

Internet and Phone safety

• Make sure that your abusive partner cannot track your Internet and/or phone use without your knowledge. He or she may find out who you are talking to or what information you are looking at on the web, and this can be dangerous.
  
• Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.
  
• Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.
  
• Click HERE to visit the New Beginnings website for more information on Internet and phone safety.

Safety Outside of Your Home

If you are thinking of leaving your home or have already left, these suggestions may help you plan ahead.

Safety When Planning to Leave

• Make sure that your abuser doesn’t know you are planning to leave. Statistically the most dangerous time for victims/survivors is when they are planning on leaving or have left their abuser.
  
• Save money if you can, keep emergency numbers close at hand-but not where your abuser can find them. Pack a bag and leave it at someone else’s home if possible.
  
• Emergency shelters are an option if you don’t have family or friends you can stay with. See our hotline page for shelters you can call.
  
• Click HERE to go to the EDVP website or HERE to visit the DAWN website for more detailed information on planning to leave.

Safety When You or Your Partner Have Left the Home

• If you are thinking about returning to a potentially abusive situation, discuss this with someone you trust. Get their feedback.
  
• If your abusive partner has left the home and you choose to stay, change the locks, secure doors and windows and tell neighbors that he/she no longer lives there.
  
• It can be helpful to set limits when you know you will talk to your partner. If your partner calls, tell him/her that you can only talk to them for a certain number of minutes. When that time is up, let them know that you need to hang up now. Follow through on the limits you set, as long as it is safe to do so.
  
• If you have to communicate with your partner for child visitation, determine the best way to do so. Can a friend or family member do it for you or at least be with you?

Safety in the Workplace

• Even if your abuser doesn’t know where you work, he or she might try to find out or even follow you. Take different routes to and from work and/or change your schedule to avoid being followed.
  
• Notify your supervisor of your situation.
  
• Identify an emergency contact person should your employer be unable to contact you.
  
• Review the safety of your parking arrangements and have security escort you to and from your vehicle.
  
• HERE are more ideas for workplace safety.

Safety with a Protection Order (learn more about protection orders by watching a video here.)

A Protection Order can keep your abuser from having contact with you, but it is important to consider the pros and cons.

Pros

• Your abuser can be ordered to have no physical or verbal contact with you and they can even be removed from your home.
  
• Your abuser can be ordered to stay away from your workplace, school, daycare, or other places you go on a regular basis.
  
• You may be awarded temporary custody of your children.
  
• If your abuser has guns, those can be taken away by the police.

Cons

• When you file for a Protection Order, your abuser will then be served papers. If your abuser does not know where you live, the papers will tell them the county where you filed the order.
  
• A Protection Order is a legal document, but it is just a piece of paper. If your abuser doesn't respect the law or the court system, he or she might chose to ignore it.
  
• Receiving Protection Order papers might "set off" your abuser and put you in greater danger.
  
• You will have to face the abuser at a court hearing to make the order permanent. This can be very emotionally upsetting and can also place you in physical danger.

Protection Orders are an important safety tool, but they are not for everyone. Talk to an Advocate to further discuss pros and cons of getting a Protection Order. Advocates are available at both King County Court locations. You can visit their website HERE

More information about protection orders is also available on the EDVP website HERE.